


My Hoarder Girlfriend

by kuresoto



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, F/M, This is so fucking dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 09:29:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15793749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuresoto/pseuds/kuresoto
Summary: In which Rey has to let go of her hoarding ways and Kylo discovers something while they clean out her apartmenttldr: Kylo finds Rey's doujin collection





	My Hoarder Girlfriend

**Author's Note:**

> Look, I saw an article along the lines of 'swiss otaku wants to move to japan after customs confiscate his precious 66 pound of doujinshi' and then this happened after chatting with [@aionimica](https://aionimica.tumblr.com/) and [@shmisolo](https://shmisolo.tumblr.com/). i can't believe this reached 2k good lord 
> 
>  

Kylo loved Rey. He loved how strong she was, not only physically but also mentally. He didn’t know anyone else, save his own mother maybe, who was at her level. Orphaned and bounced around the foster care system did things to one’s mind. Sometimes he would see Rey’s eyes glazed over with unshed tears, knowing that her parents had abandoned her because it was too hard to raise their own goddamn child, and Kylo hoped that being with him would one day patch up all the abandonment issues that resulted because of those _people_ who weren’t even worthy to be related to Rey. Kylo also hoped they were dead because if they ever appeared in Rey’s life again, who knew what state they’d be in after he was finished with them.

He shouldn’t be surprised about Rey’s hoarding problem. Once she had aged out of the foster care system and got a place of her own, she was free to do whatever she wanted, and that included never throwing away any item that she could possibly still find a use for.

Rey and Kylo had been going out for five years and not once had he ever seen the inside of her apartment. They had always hung out at Kylo’s apartment and even though Rey frequently dropped comments about how large and spacious it was, it never clicked just _how_ different their living spaces were. He came from a wealthy family and had more money than he knew what to do with so he knew that his place was ridiculous compared to hers, but then again, his place was ridiculous compared to _anyone’s_. No one should have a water feature in their foyer.

Deciding to move in together was the most obvious decision to make for them. The only condition was that he downgrade apartments and allowed her to help pay the bills, which was a no brainer for Kylo. Rey would have to move out of her old place and with any luck, Kylo would be able to see the infamous bachelorette pad that was Rey’s home. Some people might have thought it was drastic to move places just in the hopes to see your girlfriend’s apartment, but Kylo ignored them.

Kylo loved Rey with all his heart, but _holy shit_ , her hoarding problem was beyond anything he had ever seen.

Rey had mentioned the state of her apartment offhandedly over the years, but it never prepared him for the real deal. He knew she was a hoarder but _this_? Kylo stared at his surroundings in horror with a part of him feeling slightly impressed. How the _fuck_ she managed to hide this or _live_ in this mess was truly an amazing feat.

Kylo stepped over the piles of old, second hand shoes that littered the foyer and squeezed down garbage bag lined hallway. She had already thrown away so much and still hadn’t made a dent. When he arrived at her living room, he wanted to ask Rey to open a window, only to see books and magazines stacked to the ceiling, blocking out any possible sunlight.

If he googled hoarding, he was pretty sure that some sort of article would pop up, linking hoarding to anxiety and depression and with Rey’s history with abandonment, he couldn't possibly give her shit for it. He was a dick but not to Rey, so he casually leaned over an old box and flipped open the lip of the box with his finger.

“Rey,” he said, pulling Rey’s attention from the plastic bottle caps she was in the middle of throwing away.

She hummed in return, only to freeze in horror when he pulled out a thin, magazine-like item from the box. A small _oh shit_ slipped from her before she lept across the room towards the boxes, not caring for the junk she kicked over in the process. She tried throwing her body over the boxes in hopes it would deter Kylo, except it had the opposite effect. Kylo managed to grasp a handful of magazines and dodge Rey’s flying form, safely retreating to the other side of the room, wedging himself between her old couch and open box of newspapers from who knows when.

Kylo flipped open one of the magazines and popped his head up with a single raised brow. “I didn’t know you could read Japanese.”

“I...can’t…”

Rey stayed on the other side of the room, much to his suspicion. Just behind her, he could see she was guarding a few more boxes.

Kylo slowly looked back down at the magazine and flipped to the middle, only to immediately choke at the pictures splayed across the centrefold. His eyes were probably the size of saucers when he looked up at Rey, who had covered her face with her hands in embarrassment.

“Rey,” he said again, slowly. “Are those boxes behind you full of these... _porn magazines_?!”

She let out a strangled sound. “They’re not _porn_!”

“Oh _really_.” Kylo jumped over her couch so that he was right in front of her and shoved the centrefold in her face. “ _Then why are there tentacles and eggs and--_ ” Kylo couldn't bring himself to finish his sentence, flipping the magazine over to read the title. “Final Fantasy VII: Bad Idea,” he read out, only to have the magazine ripped out of his hands.

“Oh my god, don’t read it out loud,” Rey grumbled, making a grab for the others but failing.

“I didn’t know you played Final Fantasy 7.”

“I haven’t, but you don’t really need to play or know any of the original series to understand the plot of the doujins.” Rey tried again and successfully grabbed the other ‘magazines’ from Kylo’s hand.

The only problem was that Rey had left her spot, allowing Kylo to peer into the remaining boxes. “Jesus Christ, Rey. I didn’t realise you were so obsessed with porn.”

“ _They’re not porn_!” she screeched, uncaring that her voice was cracking. She coughed and tried to compose herself, nose tipped up with an air of no-nonsense. “These aren’t _porn_ , Kylo. They are doujins or Japanese fan comics, and some of them have really good art!! And I don’t need to know Japanese to read them!” Rey rolled her eyes and held up her phone, showing Kylo her ‘Google Translate’ app. She clicked on the icon to bring up the homescreen and Kylo could see her past translations.

Kylo squinted at the translated text. “It’s strange how mismatched we are, and yet you fit so well--”

“And that’s enough of that,” Rey said, cutting him off and pocketing her phone. “You’re going to go through all of them, aren’t you?”

“Yep,” Kylo said, popping the ‘p’ as he pulled out another bundle. From what he could tell, they were from a variety of series, some he recognised like Final Fantasy, while others he did not, which was for the best. He was skimming through his fifth one when he realised it had no explicit material of any sort inside.

“I told you so,” Rey said with a roll of her eyes when he told her so. “Some of them actually have good stories.”

“Where did you even get all of these?” Kylo was mystified that his girlfriend of five years had an impressive fan comic stash and couldn’t help opening more boxes. Just how far did her collection go?!

Seeing that Kylo wasn’t going to give up anytime soon, Rey plopped on the spot next to him and joined him in rummaging through the boxes. “I found them outside on the curb a few houses down. Someone had dumped it and _of course_ , I wasn’t going to let them go to waste. Even now, I don’t wanna throw these away.”

“Okay, but there’s _a lot_ here.”

“Sixty-six pounds, at least.”

Kylo stared at her. The way she had said it, just casually and off-the-cuff, made him question her sanity. Each doujin was thin and very light. Actually on second thought, the fact that someone had this monolith collection in the first place unnerved him and he was glad she was moving out of this neighborhood.

“ _And_ if I ever wanted to learn Japanese - like, _genuinely learn Japanese_ ,” she continued, oblivious to Kylo’s thoughts, “then these would help heaps!”

He flipped to a random page of one and squinted at the harsh and angry brush strokes. “Unlikely,” he muttered, getting stuck into another box.

“Hey, hey, hey. If you’re going to go through my shit, at least put it back!” Rey scolded, hurriedly packing the mess back into the first box.

“Rey, you know you can’t keep all these,”

“Okay, but _why_?”

“Because you can’t? I thought you wanted to move past your hoarding problem.”

“Yeah, I do, but these are priceless!!”

“They’re not that priceless if someone has already thrown them away,” Kylo deadpanned.

“Hang on, wait.” Rey shuffled to her feet and squatted to lift up one of the unopened boxes. “I can use these as weights.” And then to prove her point, she widened her stance and busted out a set of sumo squats with a few pulses.

“Rey, I have weights at home.”

“What? What was that? I can’t hear you over my muscles getting a workout from this _effective_ set of weights!”

Rey lifted the box over her head to mimic an overhead squat when the bottom of the box gave out and a waterfall of doujins fell overhead.

“Rey!” Individually, the doujins were light but that many falling on Rey made Kylo cringe. Kylo dropped the comics from his hands and took Rey into his arms, the pair kneeling and squatting on the floor with questionable material scattered around them. “You okay—”

With his hand rubbing Rey’s crown, he looked down to see various doujins open. Slowly, he brought his eyes back to Rey who smiled meekly.

“Was that, like, the ultimate hardcore box or something?” Kylo asked. “The faces they’re making aren’t even realistic.”

As if what he said was the most offensive thing in the world, Rey sent him the most bone-chilling glare he had ever seen from her, grabbed whatever doujin was closest to her and opened it to a random page. She didn’t even _look_ at the contents of the page, but somehow, much to Kylo’s amazement, the face she pulled was identical to the busty woman who was being rawed by some alien plant.

Kylo sat unmoving, gobsmacked by what he was seeing, which seemed the fill Rey with a sense of accomplishment. With a large grin, she took another doujin and did the same and again, her face matched the comic’s: head tilted back slightly with her mouth ajar, tongue loose and on the verge of flopping out, with her eyes rolled back.

And then she made the most ridiculous sound he had ever heard. It was a cross between a dolphin squeal and a mouse, but breathy and deep enough that a fire coiled at the base of his stomach. Blood rushed to his cock and as ridiculous as the whole thing was, Kylo now sat in Rey’s living room with a very obvious erection pressed against his jeans, and the porn - Kylo was gonna call them porn because that was what they were - scattered all around them did nothing to diffuse the situation.

Rey spotted Kylo’s problem immediately and burst out laughing. “Really? Did me doing those faces really turn you on?”

Kylo scowled and turned his body away in order to preserve what little dignity he had left. “It looked similar to your cum face,” he muttered.

“I don’t look like that!” Rey was horrified.

Burying his face in his hands, his next words were muffled. “The sound you made didn’t help.”

“Oh my god,” Rey said, exasperated, and proceeded to peel off her clothes. “Here, I’ll show you what my cum face is.” She paused in unhooking her bra and quickly fished her phone from her pocket. “Video it if you can ‘cos I swear, I don’t look or sound that ridiculous.” She tossed her phone over to him.

“ _Rey, this is ridiculous_.”

Down to her panties, Rey spread her legs and winked at him. “It’s not ridiculous if you help,” she said with a wiggle of her brows.

A full five seconds passed before he followed suit and shucked off his clothes. The cleaning could wait.

 

**Author's Note:**

> [kuresoto.tumblr.com](http://kuresoto.tumblr.com/)


End file.
